January 20

My Walk with Death and Grieving


My Walk with Death and Grieving

When my youngest son was born with cancer 8 years ago, we were successful in strengthening his body naturally. After his body was strong, I reflected back and felt that if he had died, I would have understood there was a greater plan. I felt I could have taken his death in stride. I understand there is a greater plan in life; a plan that is much greater than we can ever begin to understand.

Facing an unexpected pregnancy at the age of 36, it took me awhile to come to terms with this change in my life. I held out so much hope for this pregnancy and this new family that was being created. I had never felt energy or a spirit like this little girl I was carrying. She seemed to be teaching me so much more than I was teaching her. The pregnancy was an emotional rollercoaster, but I always felt soothed by her. I felt like it was her and I against the world. We had a very special bond.

The Wednesday morning of my 41st week, her dad and I were able to share an especially beautiful moment. He wasn’t in a hurry to rush off to work and I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment until late morning. We just enjoyed the baby, telling her how much we couldn’t wait to meet her. On the way to my doctor’s appointment, I felt her twirl and roll. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her. She then passed from this earthly plan into the spirit realms. No fetal heart tones were detected at my appointment. I went into labor and delivered her naturally 8 hours later. When I was in the pushing stage, I didn’t think I could do it; I didn’t think I could face the fact that my beautiful baby had died. After she was born, I felt such deep sorrow; something I had never felt to that degree before.

Her dad and I stayed with her and held her for 4 hours. In this time, we watched her body break down. It was incredibly hard. And saying goodbye to this perfect, tiny, beautiful angel one final time before she was sent to the morgue was the hardest of all.

I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. It has been 5 days since she passed. I can now say that I wouldn’t have taken the death of any of my children in stride. I know there is a larger picture. I know her creation and death serves a purpose far greater than I can understand. My spirituality keeps me from worrying about her or about the unknown after death. However, my human side grieves the physical loss. I miss her energy. It’s like there is a big part of me missing. She helped me through so many hard times. She left me in a place, surrounded by people that were brought into my life because of her, where I am not alone. She enriched my life in incredible ways in the 10 months that I carried her. In honoring her reasons for coming here, I know I have to pick up my life and see what the next phase unveils. I will slowly see in time where the imprint of her life has impacted the future. For now I concentrate on moving forward a little each day.

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