My children are my equal and in many ways even superior to me. I have learned a lot about cause and effect and what that means in the lives of people. C > E. Cause is always greater than effect. Someone can have something happen to them as a child and act that out through various scenarios for their entire life.
Let’s use the example of a man in his 60’s. He has had a string of relationships and marriages that hadn’t worked. He failed to complete college. His business had always been up and down because he couldn’t seem to follow through with things. This is all effect. We need to look at the cause.
The cause was so powerful that he carried this throughout his life and played out the role of the cause. The cause was traced down to a really bad experience in the 3rd grade. He had a teacher that, no matter what he did, always reprimanded him in front of the whole class and told him he didn’t do his projects correctly. He was deemed a failure in a humiliating way. No matter how much he put his best effort in, his grade came back D’s and F’s. He lost his confidence. Once he was old enough to begin to make choices, he stopped following through with projects. Eventually, he stopped following through with life. He couldn’t follow through in his relationship or school or business. He gave up on himself without realizing it. No matter how successful he wanted to be in relationships and business, the cause was greater. The effects were perpetual road blocks on his life path.
I look at my children like they are as much guiding me in life as I am guiding them. I tell them how good they are and how good they do. Children (and adults) will live up to or down to your expectations. They may not have the emotional mentality or experience that I have, and they have other knowledge that I don’t have. The same spirit that flows through me, also flows through them. I trust and have complete faith in that spirit.
I am not afraid that my children will be right and I will be wrong. I’m not afraid that they will know more than me. I set a high bar of standard, not an impossible bar that no one can live up to, but a high bar based on living life towards the whole instead of self. My children know they are responsible for their actions. They are self-aware individuals. Where their awareness is as yet undeveloped, they learn as life shows them where they need more growth. This has created the most marvelous set ritual in our house; they respect me as much as I respect them.
I don’t own my children nor lord my control over them. I learned that doesn’t work. I really had to do some soul searching and I truly respect and love them. I love them enough that I will let them make their own choices. I will give them my opinion and always share in honesty how I feel and why, and ultimately I am leaving the decision of their lives in their hands. Because I have co-created that space of openness, they feel comfortable in talking to me in truth.
Let’s face it, as much as we would like to think we can control someone, we cannot. By the time a child turns 2 or 3, they are already expressing their rebellion. Because of the respect my children have for me, more often than not, they listen to my advice, think about it and will usually follow my suggestion. If they do not, and something goes wrong, they will come back to me to discuss what they can do to right the situation they created.
I don’t withhold love, praise or appreciation, from them or say (think), “I told you so” when they come to me. I want them to grow. I want them to be happy and know themselves and not think they are someone because that is the image I have created for them. Most people walk around unaware of who they truly are. They have been molded into being what other people have told them they are or should be. Most people are so far removed from their own truth.
There is something that is misunderstood and misrepresented in our world. It is believed that if you love someone that you must accept them for however they are and deal with it. Yes, you must accept people for who, what, and where they are. Discernment is a great feather in your cap. We all have that right. If you hold a bar of standard for your life and something or someone does not measure up, you have the right, not to lower the bar, but to honor the person for where they are and who they are and let them go. You first must look at yourself. Are you acting and creating 100% completely positive thoughts, attitudes and actions towards this person or are you also falling below your bar of standard?
If you have examined your own actions in truth, you do not need to keep someone in your intimate life if you are on different paths. Most of the time, that person will end up dragging you down. You both will be in constant struggle (even if it is energetic) with each other, both trying to maintain your rights to walk your respective paths. You have to decide what you want in life. Love and respect people. Show them kindness and appreciation. Do not control to try to get what you want. You can educate, and allow the other person their choices and responsibility.
If you are 100% impeccable, you will bring more people into your life that can work with you to better the world.
Do not let cause and effect control you.