I was living in Guatemala, with an abusive husband. He was mentally, emotionally and spiritually abusive. Physical abuse was rare, but when it happened, it took me further away from who I was. I am a strong person and couldn’t ever imagine I would have lost myself in that way.
I was newly divorced from a 17 year marriage, looking forward to my medical degree, and was just concentrating on me and my life. I met a man even though I wasn’t looking for one and I found myself pregnant. He was older and I knew he had emotional issues. I wasn’t looking for marriage and as time went on, I knew enough not to allow his issues to affect me much, until an event happened that changed everything about me and my life.
I had a beautiful daughter that I had been looking forward to. I didn’t have enough time with her because sher died. I never would have known the death of a child could ever affect me as much as it did. I’m okay with death. I know it is a natural part of life. The spiritual side of me was not concerned; the emotional side of me was rocked to my very core.
I was grieving. When she died, I was too scared to hold her. I just didn’t think I could handle holding her lifeless body. And I was right, I couldn’t. I felt like something died within me when I cradled her lifeless body in my arms. I didn’t know up from down and I just felt like I could barely breathe every day. I clung on to the only person that I thought could share my pain. After all, he lost that amazing child too.
My dependence on him, the loss of myself, and huge grief set the perfect stage for abuse. It went on for 1.5 years. I slept on the cold hard floor in the bathroom because I didn’t feel worthy of sleeping on a bed. I hated myself so much. I took all of his anger and hatred for me and vibrated right along with it.
I thought there had to be something so hateful and disgusting about me to make someone despise me as much as he did, especially when all I wanted and needed was love. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.
I tried. I tried to be this perfect person and I failed. I was still having a hard time getting up every day but I hid it and put a fake smile on my face. I know he hated my weakness and truth be told, I did too.
I wanted it past me and I wanted the hole that was inside me of me to go away so I got pregnant again. I wasn’t thinking rationally- I just wanted the pain to be numbed.
I didn’t tell anyone what was going on and I isolated myself away. I was so embarrassed of needing help. I thought that I would just be a drain on people and I didn’t want anyone to see my flaws. I pretty much was living full time in Guatemala during this time.
I became close to Lorenzo and Emily, the couple that owned the Experimental Macadamia Nut farm just outside Antigua, Guatemala. Right before the big blow up that changed my life for the good, I started to open up to Emily about what was going on. I couldn’t keep it in; she was so positive and believed in the Laws of the Universe just as I did. I needed help.
Two days later, when I was 5 months pregnant, I was kicked out and found myself homeless. After booking my ticket to the USA, I called Emily and told her I was leaving.
I will never forget what she said to me. She told me who I was. She told me what I meant to her and the world. She told me that the problem was with him and I should never consider going back to him. She talked to me about creating the life I wanted and deserved to live. She told me about this man in the future that would love me. I wasn’t looking to ever be with a man again but I held on to her words as my mantra.
She was my first beacon of hope in 1.5 years. I came back to the United States homeless, penniless and without even a car. I had given everything up and he owned everything. I had no idea how I was going to do it, all that I know is that someone believed in me and that was my starting point. Even through this, there was something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was a spark of power. I was no longer oppressed.
Within 3 months of flying back to the USA, my life was so much greater than I could have imagined. I had a sizable income, a house and a car. I began to look forward to my pregnancy.
If I would have stayed back in Guatemala, I probably would have died. I learned how important it is to have people around you that support you. I learned that speaking kind/inspirational words to people can make the difference between a successful life and a life built on struggle.
Life is so different now. I have a hard time looking back and even recognizing myself in that place. Yet, it’s there. I can tap into it in some distant memory. I have a beautiful family. I have a home I love, a car I’m proud of and an income that allows me to be able to enjoy my little ones. Yes, little ones.
I have another baby and she is now almost 1 years old. My son that I was pregnant with during my changes, he is almost 3.
It’s all a reminder that no one has to go through things alone and no one should ever feel like they are alone. Emily gave me so much with one conversation. She gave me my life through her words and belief in me. She set the stage for success in my life and I will forever be grateful. I have lived my life to pay it forward.